It’s been tough…

Happy new year to every person who reads my blog! I appreciate you and pray for you!

To quote one of my son’s favourite expressions… “Not gonna lie…” but this Christmas has been the hardest, both emotionally and physically, since my husband died. No idea why! A friend who was widowed 6 months before me said she’s felt exactly the same! This is the sixth Christmas he’s been absent from the body but present with the Lord and I have missed him so much that my body physically hurt.

On the shortest day of the year, it was dull and grey out, I had cleaning and Christmas preparation to do but my whole body felt like there was an electrical current buzzing through it. I kept crying, I couldn’t settle, I literally wanted to scream and wail. My knees (which could be better at the best of times!) were in agony, so I was standing up and sitting down instead of just getting on with what needed doing. It was taking an age to get anything done! I felt frustrated and defeated and my anxiety was off the scale!

Now, I KNOW the bible says “Do not be anxious!” on hundreds of occasions. I never want or intend to be anxious, but sometimes it just “overtakes” me. I listen to worship music, I pray, in English and in tongues, I tell the enemy to cease and desist! But the indescribably horrible, jittery, desperate feeling persists. And then I feel like a failure as well!

In some ways, I’ve learned to accept myself as I am, which these days seems to be weak and needy(!) but for so many years I was strong and capable! I looked after elderly relations and friends, a husband and home, brought up two children, was involved in prayer and worship leading at church for many years. The night John died, it all came crashing down. My hopes and plans for our future together were crushed in just a few minutes, and my view of my own earthly existence was changed forever. I lost sight of me.

Don’t get me wrong. I have never doubted the Lord for a moment. In my darkest moment, I needed him more than I ever have! And he was definitely present during that ordeal and has provided supernatural peace and provision on numerous occasions since.

I was trying to explain to my friend recently how I could “still” be grieving after all this time. She lost her beloved elderly father a few years ago, and said she didn’t dwell on it. But she has never suffered the death of a husband or partner and the loss of a shared future and shattered plans. I lost both of my parents in their 60s. I loved them dearly, but it is still not the same as losing your “other half”. I can understand that losing a child must be similar in many ways though, dreams and hopes all gone…

I told her… “I didn’t dwell on the deaths of my parents or grandparents, or my miscarriage. I grieved for my aunt in 2009 as I was very close to her and looked after her for the last 5 years of her life. She was the last of her generation, the end of an era. Mum organised Dad’s funeral and John helped me organise hers. I was younger and more resilient then. I knew Mum was dying and grieved during that waiting time too. John was my help in every way. Loyal, strong, practical, understanding, kind, willing… He always supported me. It’s hard to deal with his loss without him at my side to help me! A paradox, I know. Like a double loss really… An empty space in my life that will never again be filled. 😢”

If you have lost someone who made you YOU, I get it… The pain is excruciating, it comes and goes in waves, it affects every aspect of your life and personality in some way… Sometimes, you think you’re doing better, but it will catch you off guard and it’s like you’ve been stabbed. It stops you in your tracks and takes your breath away. Tears come all too frequently, often without any logical reason. Just “because”…

All I can say is, I know that Jesus has felt my pain, my loss, my anguish, my emptiness, at times loneliness. He’s shed the tears and cried out from the heart, just as I have. He has suffered. He knows… And he came through it victorious. His victory means John is not lost forever. I will be with him again one day, though things will be different, of course. We are not told not to grieve, but not to grieve like those who have no hope.

1 Thessalonians 4:13 NIV
Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope.

I will probably never stop grieving the loss of my husband and missing him in this life but, if I can just keep giving that pain over to Jesus, I know he can turn it into something that will bring him glory. Maybe “weak and needy” is exactly where that is going to happen!

One day I will say…

Psalm 30:11-12 NKJV
You have turned for me my mourning into dancing; You have put off my sackcloth and clothed me with gladness, To the end that my glory may sing praise to You and not be silent. O LORD my God, I will give thanks to You forever.